I didn’t know what was wrong, but something was.  Majorly.  I was known to be a levelheaded, calm under pressure, handle all situations kind of girl.   I had peace in my home, was married to the love of my life and had great relationships with my awesome adult daughters.  I even had a new granddaughter and so much to celebrate.  My business of 27 years had weathered some storms but stayed steady.  I looked back on times when life circumstances were MUCH more difficult and even during those times, I didn’t feel the crushing weight of a constantly spinning and overwhelmed mind like what I was now experiencing.  I had buried my two-year-old twin daughter for heaven’s sake.  I had been comforted and strengthened by God in some rough seasons.  What on earth was wrong with me now??  It made absolutely no sense. 

I honestly can’t remember a time when I didn’t understand in my brain, that Jesus loves me. I’ve lived my whole life with that knowledge. I started to experience a tremendous shift about a year ago, where there were no negative circumstances happening and everything outwardly indicated I should be filled with a lot of happiness and peace. I wrestled inside because I just didn’t understand why I felt so lost and alone, drowning amidst a sea of people who love and support me but had no idea what was going on inside my head and heart.   I couldn’t imagine how, as a Christian, I would feel this way. I’M the one people go to for counsel and prayer and I couldn’t imagine that someone who had experienced God’s love so tangibly in the past would be feeling such incredible darkness.  I was setting up for my granddaughter’s first birthday party and helping with all the things grandmas do, and I realized I was at a breaking point.  I wasn’t fully present with my people and should have been celebrating so much. My mind was everywhere, and it was then that I knew I couldn’t go on like this.  I had the courage to tell my husband during our long drive home and through that confession began to pray to God to help something be different. 

I hadn’t told a soul how I’d been feeling, especially not God.  He’d done so much for me in the past, how could I disappoint Him so much by being such a wreck?  Over the next few months, I started being more honest in my prayers remembering He knows everything about me anyway.   During this time, three things came to my mind as I prayed.   I became aware that I needed a business mentor, a counselor, and some space for some time off work.

I signed up for counseling through a local church and scheduled Fridays off. As for the business mentor, I told my parents I needed one.  I respect their business savvy but deep down I really didn’t think they’d come up with anybody.  A few days later, they suggested a friend of theirs who I kind of knew.  This friend owns and has run a company for more than 28 years and they thought she might have some help for me.  I thought to myself, this person would never be able to help me, how could she understand what I was going through?  I didn’t understand it!

About a week later I was in my parents driveway when a woman and her husband drove up in their new car. My parents’ friends were coming to say hello and show them their new wheels. When she drove up, I thought to myself, “Oh gosh, this is the person my parents suggested be my business mentor. I really don’t want to talk with her today, but now I have to.”  Of course, my mom introduced Rita to me.  Rita hopped out of her car and my mom said, “We were just talking about you!  Steph needs some help with her business.”  Rita looked me right in the eyes and said, “Oh sweetheart, you don’t need help with your business. You need help with your heart.”  

Wait what? How did she know? I wish someone had taken a picture because I am quite sure my jaw was on the ground.  Almost immediately, she said with beautiful bright eyes and the most confident smile, the Lord just showed me a very clear picture of your business – as a train. The train cars are endless along the track and go on as far as you can see.  They are full of cargo and attached to the engine securely.”  Rita said again, “You don’t have a problem with your business, there is plenty, you have a problem with your heart.  Your business is fine, you are just shaking on the tracks.”

Wow, did God really answer me?  Just like that?  My “business mentor” Rita pulled up in the driveway??

We started meeting every week or so.  The first time we met, Rita looked right at me and asked, “What do you want?” and I said, “I want to be in God’s favor.” She answered simply, “What makes you think you’re not?” It was at that moment I began to have an incredible new awareness. Much of my impression of what it meant to be Christian was so much about striving and straining to measure up, nothing of what God ever intended for me. 

 I knew so much in my head about following Jesus but somehow, it never made it completely to my heart.   Rita invested in me to share more about how Jesus speaks to her.  She patiently listened to me, and to Him.  Through our time together I began to learn that Jesus really wants me to simply walk with Him and have a relationship with Him daily. He is amazing enough to handle every detail – all the big and the small things and everything in between. There truly is joy in the journey and I was meant to live snuggled up close.  He made me to have a relationship with Him as a Bride and wants me to live like I trust Him for that.

I don’t quite know how to write about the next part, except that in meeting after meeting Rita consistently and intentionally asked me questions. The questions she asked were ways for me to really reflect on some stinking thinking that I had allowed to become a part of my day to day. I began to learn more about truly communing with Jesus and listening to Him through the talks that Rita and I would have together. 

“On Earth, as it is in heaven” means so much more to me now. The sacrifice that God made through his Son does not only make eternity possible, but it also makes heaven on Earth possible NOW.  He WANTS us to lean in close and expect Him to speak. Truth is, He’s already speaking and has spoken in so many ways. We just don’t tune in to listen. The time that I’ve spent with Rita has taught me just that and He continues to teach me so much through her.  I am a Chosen Bride of Christ, the apple of His eye made to live in the Shelter of His Wings.  He has truly even given me the keys to the kingdom.  Himself.